Stalkers Gawk, Stars Divorce, Coldplay Reigns, Gwenyth Still Drinks, and Gawker Still Stalks

Yes, the tie, the face, the everything...it's all still sexy.

1. George Clooney plans on bringing down Gawker Stalker in his own fine way by sabotaging and bombarding the site with fake sightings. In an email to his publicist, he says, "No need to try to create new laws to restrict free speech. Just make them useless. That's the fun of it." Good to know that for some people law suits aren't the first resort. (Page Six)

2. Matthew Knowles challenges Simon Cowell to a girl-band off because of Cowell's constant put-downs of Beyoncé's lack of sexiness and vocals. Knowles comments, "It is even more clear to me that Simon wouldn't know a hit song, image or talent if it hit him in the face." Fight fight fight! (Daily News)

3. Divorce extravaganza! According to The National Inquirer, Matt LeBlanc and his future-ex Melissa McKnight have been split since January, and word on the gossip wire is that Kimora Lee and Russell Simmons will be announcing their split today! (Daily News)

4. Move over Fabergé egg. The Virgin Mary is now the most recent of notorious cocaine-vehicles. Five 3-foot-tall statues of her have been used to carry 242 pounds of cocaine and were seized in Brooklyn yesterday. Two men were arrested as well and are suspected to smuggle the drugs from Mexico to NY. One can only imagine what Jesus would say and do to such blasphemy. (Reuters)

5. Coldplay, selling 8.3 million copies of X&Y, grabs the head seat of the global popularity table with Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Black Eyed Peas, and Green Day to accompany them. In other Martin-related news, Gwenyth Paltrow is still seen drinking alcohol at NY restaurants, the latest being two-three glasses of wine (!!).

6. The Financial Accounting Standards Board, which writes accounting rules for American business, is revealing its new method of reporting pension, retirement, and benefits obligations that might cripple some companies' balance sheets, though not corporate profits. This seems to be motivated by investor complaints not seeing such risks reported, and so the board would be requiring companies to report what they currently do in footnotes of their financial statements on their balance sheets. The accountant inside everyone can be riveted here.

7. Not to be outdone, Gawker decides to have its stalkers stalk Clooney while he's in NY.

Oh...all the drama before the weekend...

Exploding Implants, Drinking Preggerz, and Goodbye French Job Comfort

The shock-and-awe editition... I just like to say that.

1. When taking your over-the-counter prescription cough and cold medications, make sure that your preferred drug does not contain phenylpropanolamine (PPA) as the FDA has been taking steps to remove PPA from all drug products since November 2000, which was probably precipitated by a Yale study showing risk of hemorrhages in woman. Men might be at risk as well, and overall risk seems to be low, though the FDA still has classified PPA as not "safe and effective." I don't know if this is good news for high school suburbanites or not.

2. Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson's space tourism company, wants celebrities to sign up for the flights with the regular rich folks (the two-and-a-half hour flight costs $200,000), but this could be problematic with just a minority of celebrities as yesterday it was also announced that breast implants on the flight was problematic. Company spokesman Will Whitehorn said, "They could well explode." Hmm...was that what happened to Vivaca A. Fox's? (UPI)

*Shudder*

3. Preggerz Gwenyth Paltrow shocked some fellow diners on Tuesday when she drank some Guinness. She was supposedly pissed at the unwanted stares as she was eating but she didn't drink out of anger but because some experts believe the high iron content from Guinness is good for expecting mums. Obviously. Gwennie is no drunkard! (Daily News)

4. The Smiths has been apparently offered more than $5 million dollars to reunite, as was the offer for last year's Coachella. Johnny Marr says that the group were offered twice as much to regroup at other venues, but Morrissey says, "Money doesn't come into it. It never has. I do what I do because it's all that I am." I might be a bigger fan of Cartman's "Whatever, I do what I want." It's just more versatile. (NME)

5. Reports on potential changes in French job laws are all over the papers, as current labor laws prevent employers from easily firing their employees. What caught my eye in the article was this:

Already, without a permanent job in France, it's nearly impossible to rent an apartment, buy a house or earn a bank loan. As a result, many French youth live with their parents throughout their 20s, drifting among unpaid internships, temporary jobs and the unemployment line.

Sounds awfully familiar...

A Better Cab Show, Julia Laughs at Tomato, Big Buffet, and Lindsay's Lost Conquest

The tomato, a surprising threat to actors.

1. In her unofficial debut to Broadway last night, Three Days of Rain's Julia Roberts broke out of character and into her trademark grin when a plastic tomato escaped its confines of a table and bounced noisily across the stage floor.

2. Alka-Seltzer's papa, Bayer HealthCare LLC, celebrated its 75th anniversary with a Guinness Book of World Record-making LARGEST BUFFET IN THE WORLD EVER (annoying caps are necessary here) with 510 dishes and 850 lucky customers that enjoyed a discount off the Las Vegas Hilton's $12.99 buffet--final price: $7.50 and perhaps some cheesy cultural stock? The debbie-downer note of the story though was that there was no previous record for this anyway, but way to market Alka-Seltzer. Oh, the silver linings. (AP)

3. The next time you hop on a cab, be prepared to look good, be smart, and win win win. Discovery Channel's new game show, "Cash Cab," has the only cab in NY that could pay you for riding in it. Your driver will engage you with questions that will become increasingly harder and lucrative, and each correct answer is awarded with money ($25, $50, $100...) and gets you closer to your destination. The passenger/contestant gets two freebies or "shout outs," which means you can ask a stranger or a person you phone for help. Three incorrect answers, and you're ejected from the cab, no matter where you are, though that doesn't seem much different from a regular ride. My suggestion to the show is to only pick up people on Friday and Saturday nights.

4. The "48-hour rule," which protects cops from being questioned for two days in controversial incidents, has been killed by the state's Court of Appeals yesterday. The Patrolmen's Benevolent Association believes the ruling to be wrong. I believe all organizations seeking support should include the word "benevolent" in their names.

5. Two fetuses were removed from a two-month-old baby at the Children's Hospital at Pakistan Institute of Medical Science in Islamabad. Head of Pediatric Surgery Zaheer Abassi said this was the first case of fetus-in-fetu he has seen in Pakistan, commenting that "basically, it's a case of triplets, but two of the siblings grew in the other." And I learned today that babies can induce vomiting from me. (AP)

6. A source tells US Weekly that Lindsay Lohan tried to snag George Clooney the other night at Bungalow 8 but in vain. Despite all her flirting and chatting him up, they left separately. (Daily News)

Poor Lindsay.

I Love Pat Kiernan, Ocean's 13, and Wilmer Rates His Women

1. Andrew H. Card Jr. resigns as Bush's Chief of Staff after five years and will be "succeeded" by Joshua Bolten who is currently the budget director.

2. Condé Nast CEO Chuck Townsend sent around an announcement yesterday afternoon of Cargo's demise. When reading The NY Post's headline on the story, "Memo to Condé: Boys Don't Shop, Cargo to Close," NY1's Pat Kiernan quipped, "I don't know why it took a couple of years for the magazine industry to figure this out..."

3. George Clooney will reprise his role as Danny Ocean for Ocean's 13, which will also bring back Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, and Don Cheadle. Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta Jones are not slated for return, but recent divorcé Ellen Barkin will join the cast. The movie starts shooting in July and will be out in theatres next summer. (BBC)

4. Julia Roberts hits the stage tonight in her unofficial Broadway debut (official debut is opening night, April 19). Bradley Cooper and Paul Rudd round out the main cast for "Three Days of Rain."

5. Wilmer Valderrama brags about his Hollywood conquests of all really young girls yesterday on Howard Stern's morning radio show. Lindsay was one of the best, Ashlee Simpson was really loud, and Jennifer Love Hewitt scores an 8 out of 10 with him. He also said he was blessed with a penis that was slightly larger than 8 inches. And they say girls talk too much...
(Starpulse)

Mad Plans for Mad Cow; Scary Sexy Men; Bush War; and Disney did STDs?

Mind-bending news to change your life and welcome you back to your cubicle.


1. Disney and STDs, who knew they were such an item? VD Attack Plan, made in 1973, was a Disney short educational cartoon (unexpectedly mixed with some horrific real pictures) that centers on a very aggressive STD giving a military attack plan to various STD armies. I'm actually quite convinced my mom made me watch this as a baby because I've always thought that STD-infected human beings came with huge X's over their crotches, and viruses and germs wore army hats and looked liked turds. Be warned, after watching this, you might want to throw up or simply not ever want to have sex again. Actually, it makes a lot of sense this was Disney.

2. NYT gets their grubby hands on a 5 page confidential memo distributed by President Bush to Prime Minister Blair weeks before the Iraqi invasion, reviews it, and reports that it basically says that war was inescapable for our camp (that is, "presence of WMD be damned, war war war" or that is what I imagine the title to be). According to the NYT interpretation of the memo, the leaders believed the war to be quick and victorious for the US-UK team and the transition to a new Iraqi government would be complex yet doable. My only concern here is...what in Iraqi caused the breakup between the golden couple of "qu"?

3. Young men who have a positive body image also engage in riskier sexual activities, that is, condomless and multi-partnered, according to a recent survey from Pennsylvania State University in University Park. Women, on the other hand, who were the most satisfied with their physical appearance, went the other route and were less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior. This perhaps explains the once-bizarre phenomenon of hotness-and-um, opposite of that couples that persist. (Reuters)

4. Omigod! Roberto Cavalli was convicted for tax invasion in a Florence Court last Thursday and was sentenced to fourteen months in prison. In 2002, it was discovered he spent £1.8 million on his villa's refurbishment and expensed it through his company. Cavalli argues that his home is the headquarters for his label, and of course, he will appeal, appeal, appeal (thrice so that the third is hopefully to the masses with his sexy dresses?). (Vogue)

5. In a press conference earlier this month, Department Chief Veterinarian John Clifford announced that the USDA will start on their plans to scale back on its already minimal mad cow testing program. The U.S. now tests about 1% of its cattle for mad cow, whereas Japan tests nearly all of its cattle and the European Union tests all cattle over the age of 30 months old. In a minor victory for myself, this gives me another small reason to not touch veal. (Time)

6. Apparently the Federline-Spears have a thing for little people. For K-Fed's birthday at Tao, Las Vegas, last week, two female midgets carried his birthday cake, and later, the tabloid-happy couple enjoyed a rendition of "I Got You Babe" sung by a Cher impersonator and a midget Sonny Bono. You only think "elegance" when you think of the Federline-Spears. (Page Six)

Morty Baby, Diva Dick, and Lanky Robots No More!

1. Gwenny (or Gwyneth Paltrow, if you don't refer to her so affectionately) is rumored to name her new baby boy bundle of joy "Mortimer" after her godfather, Steven Spielberg. There is of course a disconnect here if you don't realize that she calls Spielberg "Uncle Morty" or if you thought she was going to be consistent with fruity names. She's so full of brilliant surprises! (Page Six)

2. Who knew Dick Cheny and Jennifer Lopez had so much in common? Smoking Gun obtained the gun-happy VP's requests for his hotel rooms. While not exactly the most demanding of divas, Cheney nonetheless likes his room at 68 degrees, lights on, outfitted with 4 cans of Diet Caffeine Free sprite, a pot already brewed with decaf coffee, and 4-6 water bottles. The TV has to be set on FOX News and "please make sure someone from the team or a Super Volunteer (on radio) is there to receive the Motorcade on Arrival." Goes without saying, but wouldn't a regular volunteer simply do?

3. In the "Return of Chef," Trey Parker and Matt Stone gets their two cents in of the whole Hayes-Scientology affair. Isaac Hayes' Chef was brainwashed by a child molesters organization called "The Super Adventure Club," killed a gabillion times, and eventually sort of dies/sort of becomes Darth Vadar. At his funeral, Kyle says to remember Chef as he was before the brainwashing and that "we should be mad at the fruity little club for scrambling his brain." I wonder what the reference is here...
Check out the awesomeness of YouTube and Chef's life and death here.

4. Pink quote of the week! "The irony will be me losing a Grammy to her [Paris Hilton] next year. It would completely prove my point. That the world is just plain wrong." The claws are out and some of the potential ones are probably really skanky. (Daily News)

5. University of Texas's Professor Baughman has built something "crucial" for future androids: artificial muscles.

Crucial means creepy, right? (NYT)

"Work" conditions, Snakes on a Plane's Essence Captured, Bird Flu, and a Dirty Manhattan, Please

Why you must always agree with your boss...

1. NY State Senator Ada Smith is being accused by her former aide for a month, Jennifer Jackson, for throwing scalding coffee at the aide's face and pulling her hair after she questioned Smith's dieting ability. Smith says that Jackson is disgruntled and lying. Past "Anger Management"-like "incidents" of Smith includes nearly mowing down a trooper who asked her for ID in '03, biting a cop in '98, and threatening an aide with a meat cleaver in '96. (Daily News)

2. Samuel L. Jackson's Snakes on a Plane, which finished shooting last September, is adding five days of shooting in L.A. to take the PG-13 movie to Rated R status. The movie generated publicity, some good times, and a load of internet fans when Jackson signed onto the movie and New Line wanted to change the title to Pacific Air Flight 121. Upon hearing this, Jackson freaked because "that's the only reason I took the job. I read the title... You either want to see that or you don't." (Reuters)

Apparently this is the logo for the movie.

Redundant much?

3. In today's New York Times, an article called "Adopted in China, Seeking Identity in America" perhaps seeks to be cutting edge in their report about a "growing population" in this country but as a mainstream newspaper, it fails to capture that the immaturely articulated feelings of these Chinese adoptees are perhaps what any minority group already is and has been experiencing in America.

4. Bernard Lacoste, 74, of the French crocodile-logo'ed clothing empire, died this Tuesday.

5. In Thursday's issue of Nature, scientists reveal that the bird flu does not spread from human to human currently because the avian flu virus, H5N1, tends to nest deep in the lung, whereas the human flu virus sits in the mucus lining of our nose, throat, and bronchi. More importantly, this means that H5N1 does not instigate coughing and sneezing, which is how the [human] flu virus becomes contagious amongst us. The 100 human deaths so far resulted from direct transmissions from birds to humans and not between humans. For H5N1 to become pandemic, it will need to undergo several mutations so that it can bind to the upper respiratory tract. (AFP)

6. Here is the breakdown of a worker productivity survey conducted by staffing co. Hudson Highland Group:
25% US workers, who believe their internet use is monitored by bosses, spend company time and computer to job-hunt.
33% who don't think their internet use is monitored job-hunt on the job.
24% of managers admit to job-hunting on their work computer
66% of workers say they spend "hardly any" time on blogs, personal e-mails, chat rooms, or surfing the web.
1% of workers admitted to spending more than two hours a day on what the 66% rarely do.

...I am nowhere near as normal as I thought. (Reuters)

7. New York, particularly the city itself (isn't that what you thought anyway?) and especially Manhattan (" "?), has the dirtiest air in the nation, according to the Environmental Protection Agency. While the national average for developing cancer from air toxins is 41.5 residents per million, the NY state average is 68 "rpm" and Manhattan's is 136. So not an Aguilera-like dirty, huh? (News Wire Service)

8. Britney Spears might not be pregnant after all as she was seen drinking cocktails and cosmos for K-Fed's 28th birthday party in Vegas. Maybe she took the tagline of "What happens here, stays here" too literally? (Daily News)

"The Youngertaker", Pete Doherty Does Drugs, and Penis Throwing

Daniel Taylor, Youngest Certified Undertaker in Britain

1. Daniel Taylor, 16, becomes certified as the youngest undertaker in Britain. At school, his career advisor refused to help him achieve this career path, thinking it would be too disturbing, but his dreams of assisting with burials and cremations led him to working local undertakers and a job offer. He currently works at Mason and Stokes Funeral Directors in Cheltenham, Gloucs, and his current profession probably doesn't do much for a 16 year old's dating life, unless the datee is a Six Feet Under fan or is very attracted to the above.

2. Want to be a Jeopordite (uh, a person who is a Jeopordy contestant?)? Well, from March 28 - March 30 go to http://www.jeopardy.com/onlinetest to attempt to qualify to be a Jeopordalicious hopeful, because after passing the test, you will have an in-person audition and pass another test, this time under proctors' watchful eyes.

3. Ex-Libertine-and-Kate Moss's-boyfriend Pete Doherty unshockingly shocked Rolling Stone's Mark Binelli during a three-hour interview by smoking crack, shooting heroin and taking ecstasy. It perhaps wasn't so much the drugs but, as Binelli says, "He never became incoherent, though occasionally seemed confused." (Page Six)

Yes, he dated Kate Moss.

4. A Ceres report, "Corporate Governance and Climate Change," basically says that U.S. companies suck in being environmentally aware (particularly regarding global warming), and of our companies, oil and airline companies suck the worst. For instance, on a scale of 1-100 with 1 being the most suckfull, UAL (papa to United Airlines) scored a full 3 points, which is basically putting your name on a test. To top off this whole U.S. suckfest, European and Asian companies are completely showing us up and rubbing our faces in how much we suck with how much more they care about not sucking. DuPont, the country's valedictorian, scored an 85, which completely confirms that America is stupid in more than one way. (NYT)

5. The media-deemed "Pot Princess" and NYU drug dealer Julia Diaco, 20, received five years' probation and current community college attendance for dealing drugs (pot, marijuana, shrooms, LSD and cocaine) in her NYU dorm. She was facing 25 years in prison as the prosecution's case included a videotape of her selling drugs to undercover popo. Anthony Papa, 51, who was also a first-time offender, received 15 years to life for dealing coke for a lesser fee to an undercover cop and was unhappy to hear the discrepancy in sentencing, but he also is not a hot-looking offspring of a millionaire. (NY Post)

6. MTV Video Music Awards is coming back home to New York this year. Mark your calendars for August 31 at Radio City ...if you are 12.

7. Throw up alert from Chicago: Jakub Fik, 33, cut off his penis and threw it, along with a few knives, at cops, who arrived at his door after reports of his smashing car windows. Probably stunned by the penis amongst the knives, the cops stunned him with a Tasar and got his willy reattached yesterday. University of Chicago's urology proefssor, Dr. Greg Bales, commented that "as long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good."
Men, this has just upped the ante for Jackass stunts. (AP)

Madonna Fingers for Publicity, More Scientology Mysteries, Jordan in Vogue?!... and Other Shockers

1. Madonna's "Sorry" video was too scandalous for TV because of an already ubiquitous finger gesture, but obviously not for the internet. Go to Marco Puig's site and click on showreel to see the graphic video. I suppose there has to be one from each album: "What It Feels Like For a Girl," "Justify My Love," and "Erotica" --shouldn't the music channels learn by now and stop feeding into her free publicity-generating ways?

2. While rare enough to be covered by ordinary accident insurance in other countries, terrorism insurance is being offered in Iraq in what seems to be the first of its kind in the world. Terrorism kills hundreds of people per month in Iraq, and its citizens perhaps have found the government and employers unreliable to provide for their family afterwards. The Iraq Insurance Company, a state-owned group, has sold 200 individual terrorism insurance policies in the last year and providing group policies for government ministries and private companies is in the works. The company has yet needed to pay out a claim, and in response to which some of its consumers deem the product as lucky. (NYT)

3. Chef lives! The 10th season of South Park will open with a new episode with Chef, sans Isaac Hayes, but who will be Chef's voice? Watch "The Return of Chef!" tomorrow. (BBC)

4. Fox News' Roger Friedman theorizes that Hayes did not quit South Park on his own accord, but "someone quit for him." In an AV Club interview this January, Hayes comments on Matt Stone and Trey Parker's depiction of Scientology in the four-month-old episode:

"They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, 'Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that [expletive], you know?' But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses and understand what we do. [Laughs.]"

Hayes did not issue any statements on his own about South Park, and friends say he has been undergoing home therapy since his mild stroke on January 17.

5. Apparently all the chasing worked for Bruce Willis, as Page 6 has Willis and much hotter and younger Petra Nemcova down as a couple and with Willis treating Petra badly no less! He stood her up at the premiere of "V for Vendetta" last week, but she refused his kiss at his 51st birthday party at G2 this past Saturday.

6. The Sun reports that the Hilton sisters are planning on doing a cartoon TV show on their lives. Paris has already had meetings with Interscope's Ted Fields about making and selling the project to an American network.

7. Why is Jordan (Britain's answer to Pam Anderson) in the April issue of Vogue?

...I'm just asking the question...why?

Terrible 3, Foreign Rockers' Titty Investment, and The Best Gift Ever

1. In a move to safeguard its competitive edge over Vanguard and American Funds in mutual funds, Fidelity becomes the first vendor on Amazon's new financial services store. (Reuters)

2. "Where the bloody hell are you?" ads from Australia can finally show on Britain's TV channels, as the TV bans were lifted on Saturday. Blessed be, there must have been a grand celebration in Britland.

3. New ["do I really care?....hmm..."] couple alert! Dina Lohan (yes, Lindsay's mom) and Steven Bing very (rich producer who denied being the father to Elizabeth Hurley's baby and later had to eat his words) have been spotted together in places like hot spot (sorta?) Cain. D.L. was overheard saying she was just "playing with him." Something every daughter wants to hear her mom saying. (Daily News)

4. It is rumored that Sting will be opening up a satellite of Hollywood's burlesque Forty Deuce on West 21st Street and 10th Ave. David Bowie would be one of his backers. (Page Six)

5. An alum donate $200 million dollars to Columbia University to fund a science center. Take that anonymous Hopkins philanthropist! (NYT)

6. I don't know how I missed it, but Happy Belated Birthday, Operation Iraqi Freedom! At 3, you must be devastated having already learned you were a horrible, horrible, horrible mistake.

Drink Cristal, Play 24, Forget Naptime and Learn about HIV!

"News" for St. Paddy's day...

1. Apparently Tom Cruise got the South Park episode on Scientology pulled on Wednesday by threatening to not promote Mission Impossible 3. Paramount Pictures, which is banking on MI3 to be a hit, is also owned by Viacom, which is the parent company of Comedy Central. Viacom officials might have also ordered South Parkers Matt Stone and Trey Parker to not discuss the reasons behind the episode's cancellation. The episode makes fun of Tom Cruise's constant gay denials and Scientology as a religion. (Page 6 and Hollywood Interrupted)

Not to fear. YouTube has not been threatened (yet) so feel free to enjoy the episode whenever you please.

2. 24 fans can rejoice...well, if they are gamers and have PlayStation 2. The creatively named 24:The Game comes out today and is set between seasons two and three. Plugging some gaps in the story, i.e. how Kim Bauer started working at the Counter-Terrorism Unit, the game also is complete with the essentials of the show, including the digital clock countdown and multi-panel scenes. Great, something else 24-heads can get addicted to.

3. When Cristal Champagne's managing director, Frederic Rouzaud, was asked how he felt when he saw 50 Cent pouring the drink over a dancer's bum in a video, he said, "I would prefer to drink it...

... They should drink it." (BBC)

4. March Madness is notorious for being an office productivity drainer, but Forbes is calling out consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas' estimate of a $3.8 billion productivity loss as overblown. Challenger quadrupled their 2005 costs this year due to broadcast channels' offering of free (advertisement-funded) viewings of the games from the first three rounds (56/64 games) online. While it is doubtful that employees will be brazen enough to sit and watch the whole games at work, Forbes' resistance to the near $4b number wasn't particularly well-articulated:

"But not every college basketball fan has Internet access at work... And many workers would have wasted those 13.5 minutes anyway, playing FreeCell or Googling their ex-girlfriends."

Maybe Forbes should check on their own employees.

5. A virtual god does exist. Go to www.complaints.com to post and read complaints on a product/service/company. So much easier than figuring out the whole Better Business deal... which I never did.

6. Who is Saint Patrick and why should you celebrate him like he is Dionysus? Because that's what you do with patron saints who return to their country to convert the Celtic people to Christianity. Learn more at this U.S. Embassy website, and find out that the story of St. Patrick's chasing out snakes from Ireland is "probably not true."


7. NYC -public-schooled kindergartners will learn about HIV starting Monday. Lessons include HIV is "a germ", "not easy to get", could lead to AIDS, which is not easy to "get well" from. The kids won't learn that HIV is sexually transmitted (and uh, needley transmitted) and if asked, teachers will respond, "When you are older, you will learn more." (Daily News)

Stalkers, Office Pool Characters, Barefoot "Danger" Spears

1. Who are you in your NCAA Office Pool and what are your chances of winning? Cracked breaks your office players down. If it wasn't for the fact that I've never seen a college basketball team play before, I would definitely be all about the pretty colors and be the Boss's daughter. I suppose that is the default category for idiots who go with places that they've been to before or sound cool.

2. Further proof that Trader Joe's has cult followers. Tracking Trader Joe's does what it's called: it follows where it goes, what it does, and what it has. This makes TJ the corporate version of Monica Crowley.

3. Gawker Stalker is probably the creepiest virtual stalker ever. Go to http://www.gawker.com/stalker/ to network with celeb-obsessed folks and see who's in your area today on the stalker map. Anyone can text message their sightings immediately, and apparently Gawker has hired extra staff to sift through these messages to keep the information on the site as close to real-time as possible. Man, to be unemployed and in the city...

4. Wonder what's irkin' Isaac Hayes's girkin'? Feel like a loser when people talk about the awesome South Park Scientology episode? This is why YouTube is awesome and you are never far away from being a culture junkie winner when online.

Um... no, not that kind of junkie winner.

5. Google will adapts its existing Google Base database into a new service allowing retailers to promote their products and their store on this site. This service that consumers can go to through Google's search engine is already available in the US and is rolling out in Europe and probably the rest of the world.

6. The Pentagon's defense scientists is scheming to make an army of "insect-cyborgs." DARPA, a defense research agency that works for the US military, wants to implant micro-systems into pupas in order to remote-control the insects when they develop for purposes of sensing certain chemicals and transmitting data. Dr. George McGavin of Oxford University Museum of Natural History scoffed, "What adult insects want to do is baically reproduce and lay eggs. You would have to rewire the entire brain patterns." DARPA's previous experiment of getting bees and wasps to detect explosives failed when "instinctive behaviours for feeding and mating... prevented them from performing reliably." (BBC News)

7. Britney Spears should really wear shoes as she, barefoot, stepped on a hypodermic needle in a parking lot in Hawaii. Her tests at Hawaii State Hospital showed the needle was unused.
(National Ledger)

8. Signing up to star in the Sin City sequel, Angelina Jolie will start work after birth of the Brangelina baby. She will be playing the role of A Dame To Kill For from Frank Miller's graphic novel. (The Sun)

Heart Breakers Grover Cleveland, Mike Wallace, and Jack Black

Here is your daily dose of news, the soul-crushing variety.

1. U.S. Customs agents found 250 bogus billion dollar bills bearing President Grover Cleveland's face in a West Hollywood apartment. "You would think the $1 billion denomination would be a giveaway that these notes are fake, but some people are still taken in," said a secret agent. But then if the $1b bill doesn't exist, what's this, Associated Press?

2. Vicki model and devout Catholic Adriana Lima told GQ that she deems abortion a crime and sex before marriage is simply not for her.

3. Trader Joe's. This Friday. Oh. My. God.
Though Two Buck Chuck is going to be $3. That doesn't even rhyme! Trader Joe's in NY is already starting to look lame (I mean, Union Square? Trader Joe's? What?!).

4. Oooh, dream-killer alert, but Jack Black is off the market. He has eloped with triplet Tanya Hayden. Wish upon another star.

5. Charlize Theron says she has not split from Stuart Townsend and was alone at the Oscars because Townsend was working.

6. Eighty-seven-year-old Mike Wallace will retire from "60 Minutes" at the end of its current season. In a news release, the network says his title will be Correspondent Emeritus. (NYT)

Ambien, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and Cookie Laws

1. Please wish Taylor Hanson (of Hanson) a happy 23rd birthday.

2. Studies coming out of some Minneapolis sleep disorder centers are revealing the sleeping pill Ambien is causing some patients to sleep-eat, to “claw through their refrigerators like animals and consume calories ranging into the thousands.” In the same studies, the doctors say that many of these unconscious eating behaviors ended when the patients switched to other pills like Lunesta and Sonata. (NYT)

3. A Greek study comparing long-term (4+/wk). shorter-term, and occasional marijuana users showed that regular users performed worse in cognitive, memory, and attention abilities, with long-term users showing the greatest deficits. To be wow’ed by these findings, pick up the current issue of Neurology. (Reuters Health)

4. A Mexican couple in Yucatán are recovering after a marital spat that involved firing guns, throwing knives and hurling homemade bombs. The fight ended when a homemade gasoline bomb went off and blew up the house. Juan Espinosa said he was glad his wife, Irma Contreras, got burned, while Irma says she wished she “hacked off his manhood” in their spat. (Reuters)

5. Some sixth-graders and legislators obviously have too much time on their hands when on Monday, sixth-graders Leanne Oleasz and Caroline Pluta led a PowerPoint presentation to promote a bill designating “oatmeal chocolate drop with a dash of nutmeg” as the official state cookie for CT. If passed, oatmeal chocolate drop with nutmeg will join the ranks of New Mexico’s biscochitos and Massachusetts’ and Pennsylvania’s chocolate chip. Representative Andrew Fleischmann of West Hartford sampled a cookie and said it was “awesome,” making all Democrats proud. (AP)

6. Stop feeling sorry for Jennifer Aniston. Aniston tells Vogue she is “so tired of being part of this sick, twisted Bermuda Triangle,” never mentioning the names that make up Brangelina.

Post celebrity-deprived weekend dose

1. Tonight. Macaulay Culkin. His new book Junior. Barnes and Nobles, 33 E 17th Street. 7 p.m. I’ll spare you the clichéd scream, as I’m sure you’ll be doing it yourself when there.

2. In his interview with GQ, (former?) sex addict Michael Douglas has a few harsh words to say about Brangelina and other celebrity (ex)couples. “I don’t know about Brad Pitt,” says Douglas, “leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean how long is that going to last?”
He continues, “I mean, don’t ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger [and Kenny Chesney]. I don’t know how you get married for four months. And Julia with Lyle. There must be some incredible things you find out one night. I mean, I don’t know.”

3. La Lohan just swears that she doesn’t have sex with that many people, but she seriously thinks that sex is “groovy.” But will she take it all off for a movie as easily as she does in her, uh, tabloidic, life? “I’m okay with being topless in front of people, but I’m not sure if I’d want to do it onscreen. If it’s a role that’s going to win me an Oscar, it would be different.” Well, it’s a less hackneyed justification than doing it for art. (Daily News sourcing Cosmo)

4. Dennis Quaid confides in Best Life magazine that he was manorexic in the mid-90s, dropping to 138 pounds from 180. Probably not the best time, Meg Ryan, to go on Oprah and say what an “unhealthy marriage” it was and how you should have left sooner. You know, because someone’s publicist is better than yours. (People/AOL)

5. Wafah Dufour landed her own reality show documenting her American dream of becoming famous! It’s really sweet, seeing her struggle to become a pop star on her own merits. I mean, she didn’t get this deal because her uncle is Osama Bin Ladin...nooooo.

6. Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend have split because they had grown apart by her bow...I mean...their filming schedules. (The Sun)

7. Britney Spears gives K-Fed an allowance for daily expenditures (like wife-beaters, weed, and boozing?) and any big ticket items must have her approval before purchase. (Page Six)

8. Michael Keaton, Robert Downey Jr. and Bebe Neuwirth did the less-than-$1-million film, Game 6, for $100 a day. Finally! A real “celebrities are just like us story!” (Not US Weekly, but CNN)

Hilton Herpes, Neverland Goodbyes, and Google and Australia Take on World

1. Brian Quintana, new protectee of a Paris-Hilton restraining order, testified that warning Stavros Niarchos that she had herpes might have strained his relationship with Paris. A Hilton spokesman has told Court TV that Paris does not have herpes. (E!)

2. Google buys Upstartle LLC who offers Writely.com, a word-processing service complete with spell-check and other features found on standard word-processing software, i.e. Microsoft Word. The acquisition is part of Google's plan to compete in areas formerly known as belonging to Microsoft, and also, to gain more advertising revenue of course. Also, it continues to raise the question, "Is Google evil?" (WSJ)

3. In her interview with GQ, Eva Longaria admits she has lesbian crushes on Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson and Eva Mendes. What is more intriguing though is this thirty-something actress also calls them her "crew".

4. You thought it was here to stay, but alas, Michael Jackson had to shut down his Neverland Valley Ranch yesterday as California authorities has fined him $169k for failure to pay his employees or obtain the proper workers comp insurance. Local animal welfare officials have been asked to look after the residents of Neverland's zoo. (Reuters)

5. "So Where the Bloody Hell Are You?" is the new tagline for Australia, who plans to spend $135m over the next two and a half years marketing itself with the snarky slogan to the rest of the world. It will join the ranks of "Hong Kong Will Take Your Breath Away", which was their campaign when SARS hit, "Malaysia, Truly Asia", and "WOW Philippines!" (WSJ)

6. Britain has banned the "So Where the Bloody Hell Are You?" Australian campaigns from their television channels because they are rude. (Reuters)

Hell: Cubicles, Stilettos, and Kristin Cavallari

1. Brad Renfro, of "kid from The Client" fame, pleads guilty to DUI charges (his third) after just going to court on Monday for heroin possession charges. (TMZ)

2. Fortunelaments on the evolution of the "cubby" from being born in the 1960s as the "Action Office" to being the bastard son of Herman Miller's researcher Robert Propst. Spurred by economics, the cubicle becomes a plague on America, draining the souls of forty million workers. Yet Julie Schlosser reports that business will evolve out of the cubicle-society via telecommuting, more face-face meetings, and an increase in impersonal workspace. But as the dark force wanes, will it inspire as much top-notch ironic comedies in the vein of The Office, Office Space and Dilbert?

3. In his second day of testimony yesterday, Andy Fastow claims that Ken Lay, ex-Enron CEO, lied to investors about the company, saying all was well when it was drowning in debt. "The company is probably in the strongest and best shape it has ever been. There are no surprises," Lay had said in an August interview. (Daily News)

4. The cover of this week's US Weekly announces that Nick Lachey hooked up with Kristin Cavallari...uh, the girl from Laguna Beach, y'know, MTV's version of The O.C. Way to show your ex-wife, who has only been attached to Adam Levine, Jude Law, and other above-C-listers.

5. Today was Glamour's competition of stiletto-clad racers. Women competed for €10,000 in their 75-meter run of pain. Winner can be found here if you read Dutch, um, which I'm assuming it is.

BPO (Beautiful People Only) News

1. Uma Thurman and Andre Balazs break up. Not to say it's deliberate, but this kind of lukewarm news sounds about right for her newly-released DVD of Prime. (Page Six)

2. What's your favoirte travel companion? According to The Sun, if you're Kate Moss, it's a £65,000 Fabergé egg containing coke, ecstacy and the date rate drug Rohpynol (the latter two to come down from the high--it says it in The Sun!). I suppose the Fabergé is the layman's Altoid bin (what do you mean that's not why it's "curiously strong?").

3. In case you forgot to Tivo "The View", Donald Trump commented on the "nice figure" of his daughter, Ivanka, and then said that if she wasn't his daughter, "perhaps I'd be dating her." Well, ew goes without saying.

4. Paris Hilton was banned from the Vanity Fair Oscars party. But will good continue to triumph? ...

5. Employees at Millenium Partners-owned Reebok Sport Club/NY are complaining that only the attractive lot of them are being positioned visibly to the gymgoers while the rest are subjected to the backroom. To see how this will play out, go to your local movie theater and watch The Hills Have Eyes. (Daily News)

Crazy Jake, Lovable Jack, and Oral "Sex"

1. Diane Keaton tells Oprah she is still in love with Jack Nicholson. When Gayle King, Oprah's best friend, asked him how Keaton could feel better about this, he said, "Invest more in heavy sexual acts. Not too distorted, but at least interesting in nature." Really, Diane? (Daily News)

2. Yanni does jail! The musician had to spend 11 hours in jail one night last week after being accused of being verbally and physically abusive to girlfriend Silvia Barthes. Police confirmed that Barthes had a swollen and bloody lip. Yanni's attorney commented, "He's the most gentle man around. His hands are his instruments." (Chicago Tribune)

3. Wonderfully crazy pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal with probably a petrified Ang Lee.

4. A 22-year-old Californian who received oral sex from a 16-year-old girl should not be required to register for lifetime sex offender status, as decided by the CA Supreme Court. See, oral sex isn't sex, Betty...if and when the Supreme Court decides to throw its weight on this. (Reuters)

5. In Andy Fastow's testimony yesterday, he said that Skilling and Lay signed off on two off-the-book partnerships. Can't wait for Enron's sequel in jail... in the form of a musical of course.

Political scandal, IRS, and of course, celebrities

Because Oscars are so yesterday, Oscar news have been kept at a minimum.

1. Couple alert! Jake Gyllenhaal and Keira Knightley have been spotted looking coupley at Soho House two consecutive nights. (Page Six)

2. Here is the picture circulating around the internet of Mariah Carey's attempt to eat Kimora Lee at the Soul Train awards:


3. Lindsay Lohan proves herself to be the epitome of Long Island in these shots with her and her girls, drinking, imitating eating out, and "posing" with bongs.


4. According to the cool bouncer who let me in free, the BlackBerry is still very much alive and making lives miserable. BlackBerry's maker, Research in Motion (aka RIM, *teehee*) will pay $612.5 million to patent holder NTP to settle the dispute.

5. Singapore is so much cooler than us, as it will building a $68m DNA-resembling bridge. The helix will link to a massive new tourist development, containing two casino-resorts and a 558-foot Ferris wheel (that should be 96.3 of me's in case your visual imagination sucks like mine). Their goal is to attract tourists--really nerdy, dorky tourists. (AP)

6. For the past six months, Carnival has been housing Katrina victims in their cruise ships. Who knows what Jeb Bush's involvement in this deal was? Carnival executive Ric Cooper, proposal-initiator, merely contributed $65k to Fl's GOP in '02 and $50k to the RNC in '04. Carnival's defense of the deal is the $236m earned covers the revenue it usually gets for the 120,000 passengers it could book. The contract expires this week. (AP)

7. CNN's morning news reported today that IRS is looking into taxing Oscar goody bags. Sweet, swag tax!

Edit in Netherlands bootying

Please note that "children's toes" should be "children's toys". My desire for pirates in that story obviously overwhelmed my subconcious...um, because pirates love to dispense children's toes on the beach of course. (Note to pirates: I love pirates. I have pirates as friends. Please don't send me hatemail...though doublenote that you probably can't as I never posted my email up. Suck. Er.)

5. Off the beach of a Dutch island, 58 storm-wrecked containers let loose thousands of shoes, children's toes and aluminum briefcases, which were being filtered by crowds of booty-hunters. Why do only whimsical things happen in the Netherlands?! Oh wait...not Neverland. Silly me. (AP)

Farfrompoopen Friday news

1. Kid Rock calls Scott Stapp "the idiot" (and allegedly the person who brought in the camera) and blames the ex-Creeder for losing the sex video of them and several strippers. Rock's defense for the video though? "It's not any big revelation that this goes on in rock 'n' roll, especially with who I am."

He continues, "Although, I'll guarantee you, I wasn't sober."

Thank god. I was afraid he did all that with a clear head. He's still attractive then....

2. Paris Hilton was dancing with Rick Salomon and Brandon Davis at the General Motors (*still laughing*) Fashion show. Nothing weird about a girl dancing with the ex-boyfriend who sold your sex tapes or the guy who accused you of being racist right? Do it all the time! (Daily News)

3. Dave Chapelle. Block Party. Out. Finally. I think the Dark Crusaders would approve. Who wouldn't with that line up?

4. Happy Birthday US Mint! ...and Jessica Biel... (Coincidence? Hmm...)

5. Off the beach of a Dutch island, 58 storm-wrecked containers let loose thousands of shoes, children's toes and aluminum briefcases, which were being filtered by crowds of booty-hunters. Why do only whimsical things happen in the Netherlands?! Oh wait...not Neverland. Silly me. (AP)

6. Constipation Ridge. Deer Licks. Farfrompoopen Road. Divorce Court. But nothing beats Psycho Path. Not even Shades of Death Rd, who wasn't even remotely close. (Misubishi Motors Poll)

My daily fix on "news"

1. NYC Regional of the US Air Guitar Championships. Tonight. Knitting Factory. Oh.my.god.

2. Quick, what are the five freedoms listed in the First Amendment? What are the first names of The Simpsons? Another survey proving Americans are stupid, the McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum surveyed a thousand and results are in: only 28% could name more than one of the five freedoms but 50% could name at least two Simpsons (And uh, if you want to know the answer to the first question, you can unashamedly click here. My links don't judge).

3. Nuh uh...but uh huh! MC Hammer blogs. Will news soon be "who doesn't?"

4. Damn. Reese Witherspoon is now the highest paid actress of all time: 29 mil for horror film Our Family Trouble.

5. Mischa is single again, but sad, but dating a lot of guys, perhaps even Jake Gyllenhaal...but still sad...*t..e..a....r......*

6. Pictures of 15 year old Hermione (or "Emma Thompson") are circulating drinking beer.

Magic makes people grow up fast. Watch out for that descending hand!

Daily dose with La Lohan again

1. Lindsay Lohan flashes nipple at 10th annual GM (hehe) Fashion show.

2. *Shudder*fest for those who don't like geezer-sex: Allan Mac Donell, once editor at Hustler magazine, details a video in "Prisoner of X" that includes Jane Fonda, Ted Turner and an unidentified brunette having sex on camera. Two ex-Hustler colleagues corroborates this tale. (Daily News)

3. Nick Lachey signs $500k deal for agreeing to be in an infomercial with Brook Burke for a celebrity trainer DVD. No moola for Jessica as he signs on after his separation from her. Wierd that they are no longer together when now they seem like a match made in infomercial-whore heaven.

4. In Japan, market for male girdles expands. Triumph International Japan, a leading underwear company, introduced a new tummy-flattening line underwear on a trial basis last month that were quickly sold out in some stores.

5. New York Times report titled "Beyond Rivalry, a Hidden World of Sibling Violence" horrifically details ...the fights between brothers and sisters. Man, there is a new generation of wussy children if they can't handle some intense injuries in the vein of "bruises" and "chipped teeth". There's nothing like a good flip flop fight people or WWF/E reenactment!