"The Youngertaker", Pete Doherty Does Drugs, and Penis Throwing

Daniel Taylor, Youngest Certified Undertaker in Britain

1. Daniel Taylor, 16, becomes certified as the youngest undertaker in Britain. At school, his career advisor refused to help him achieve this career path, thinking it would be too disturbing, but his dreams of assisting with burials and cremations led him to working local undertakers and a job offer. He currently works at Mason and Stokes Funeral Directors in Cheltenham, Gloucs, and his current profession probably doesn't do much for a 16 year old's dating life, unless the datee is a Six Feet Under fan or is very attracted to the above.

2. Want to be a Jeopordite (uh, a person who is a Jeopordy contestant?)? Well, from March 28 - March 30 go to http://www.jeopardy.com/onlinetest to attempt to qualify to be a Jeopordalicious hopeful, because after passing the test, you will have an in-person audition and pass another test, this time under proctors' watchful eyes.

3. Ex-Libertine-and-Kate Moss's-boyfriend Pete Doherty unshockingly shocked Rolling Stone's Mark Binelli during a three-hour interview by smoking crack, shooting heroin and taking ecstasy. It perhaps wasn't so much the drugs but, as Binelli says, "He never became incoherent, though occasionally seemed confused." (Page Six)

Yes, he dated Kate Moss.

4. A Ceres report, "Corporate Governance and Climate Change," basically says that U.S. companies suck in being environmentally aware (particularly regarding global warming), and of our companies, oil and airline companies suck the worst. For instance, on a scale of 1-100 with 1 being the most suckfull, UAL (papa to United Airlines) scored a full 3 points, which is basically putting your name on a test. To top off this whole U.S. suckfest, European and Asian companies are completely showing us up and rubbing our faces in how much we suck with how much more they care about not sucking. DuPont, the country's valedictorian, scored an 85, which completely confirms that America is stupid in more than one way. (NYT)

5. The media-deemed "Pot Princess" and NYU drug dealer Julia Diaco, 20, received five years' probation and current community college attendance for dealing drugs (pot, marijuana, shrooms, LSD and cocaine) in her NYU dorm. She was facing 25 years in prison as the prosecution's case included a videotape of her selling drugs to undercover popo. Anthony Papa, 51, who was also a first-time offender, received 15 years to life for dealing coke for a lesser fee to an undercover cop and was unhappy to hear the discrepancy in sentencing, but he also is not a hot-looking offspring of a millionaire. (NY Post)

6. MTV Video Music Awards is coming back home to New York this year. Mark your calendars for August 31 at Radio City ...if you are 12.

7. Throw up alert from Chicago: Jakub Fik, 33, cut off his penis and threw it, along with a few knives, at cops, who arrived at his door after reports of his smashing car windows. Probably stunned by the penis amongst the knives, the cops stunned him with a Tasar and got his willy reattached yesterday. University of Chicago's urology proefssor, Dr. Greg Bales, commented that "as long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good."
Men, this has just upped the ante for Jackass stunts. (AP)