Bug-eyes, Corporate Pirates, Mad Cow, J Lo, and Wii Welcome You to Your Weekend

1. Scientists from UC Berkeley have created insect-inspired artificial eyes. Think super-sight, think Spiderman and Human Fly, but don't whip out or prepare for your Halloween outfits yet. These broad-view, lens-packed eyes of efficiency will be used for surveillance, medical procedures, and the like. (ScienceNow)

2. Because corporations like NEC are people too, they suffer as we do and fall victim to identity theft. Not only were computer goods being sold under the NEC brand, the whole company itself had itself been pirated, as an investigation with Chinese, Taiwanese, and Japanese law enforcement agencies discovered. The enterprising pirates also wanted to release their own products in the vein of MP3 players and home entertainment centers under the NEC name. Manufacturing, distribution, payment--the whole operation and shebang--were taken care of as well in this whole fake NEC. I don't know if Jennifer Jason Leigh has the acting chops to handle this meaty role in the movie remake... but it would be awesome-o if she tried. (IHT)

3. U.S. Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns announced today that less than one in a million cows have mad cow disease, which is really reassuring in the face of unreassuring cutbacks in testing programs on which the USDA plans. (Reuters)

4. Following in the footsteps of former flame P-Diddy and adding to her mega-empire, Jennifer Lopez is in the talks with MTV to star in her own reality show, which would follow her and a group of dance mentees, which may or may not exist already (probably the former), around. Audience members can try to spot in each episode Marc Anthony, lurking in the shadows, shedding a tiny inadequate tear. (Female First)

6. From 6 months of development in Japan comes the name for the new Nintendo console: Wii. That's right, like "wee" or "we" because the product is so inclusive and wonderfully fun. Because everyone, including the serious gamer, will really want to go into a store asking for a Wii, so honestly one has to wonder--6 months? (NYT)

The Getaway Limo, Hardcore Snoop, Record Profits for Oil Companies, and "Is nice… Is a good, but I have… seen bigger" The Movie

1. An experimental vaccine developed against the Marburg virus worked on monkeys, even after infection. The Marburg virus, similar to Ebola, causes its victims to suffer from fever, vomiting, diarrhea, severe bleeding from the orifices, and, most likely, death within a week. Whew, with such good news on the horizon, I can finally go back to reading Michael Crichton books. Sure, I can treat them as the fiction they are categorized as, but then I have to ask, "What would Bush do?" (NYT)

2. Exxon Mobil posted today its modest profit of $8.4 billion for the first quarter --modest, of course, compared to $10.71 billion for the quarter prior. ConocoPhillips reported record profits as well yesterday with $3.29 billion and Chevron is expected to announce tomorrow its $4 billion. How bizarre the amount of money this industry is making when driving peons are forking over 3 bucks a gallon. Though, peons, be assured, the American Petroleum Institute (API) will be spending millions in conventional ad campaigns to make sure you believe there is absolutely no correlation between your moth-eaten pockets and their Gucci-lined ones. And when you're no longer drunk on delusions but whorishly naked from the clothes you sold at the gas station, you can be warmed by the words of API President Red Cavaney. "The responsibility of the management... is to insure that they are providing for shareholder return." (CBS News)

3. Calvin Broadus, aka Snoop, hit a snag while on his way to Johannesburg in Heathrow Airport when he and 5 others were arrested for brawling in the Terminal 1 business lounge. Officers were abused upon arrival, sustaining injuries in the form of cuts, bruises, and, for one, a fractured hand. Business lounge? Terminal 1? Fractured hand? I suspect this might do nothing for Snoop's street cred. (BBC)

4. Due out sometime this year, perhaps the summer, is perhaps the most anticipated movie, um, of the year. That's right: Borat, the movie, starring the wonderful Sacha Cohen of Ali G fame. The story centers on Borat's traveling to the U.S. to report on the world's greatest country. The twist? Borat decides instead he wants to find and marry Pamela Anderson, which, really, probably doesn't deviate too much from his original mission.

5. Apparently San Francisco's bank robbers like to steal in style. The other day, Roy Westry and Cynthia Johnson decided to hold up a bank and flee in a limousine, making it the second time in the past few years that Franny robbers chose the limo as their getaway car. Disappointingly and surprisingly, the limo used was not the Hummer sort. (Reuters)

Michelle Rodriguez Goes to Jail, Bush Goes for the Snow Fox, and Beans Go Down the Fartless Path

1. Expect the continual suckfest of gas prices this summer despite Bush's recent proposals, energy experts say. On Tuesday, Bush announced his plans to reduce the prices by allowing more relaxed clean fuel rules and freeing up more crude oil by delaying deliveries into the government's emergency oil reserves, both which experts say address the supplies aspect when the problem at hand is a price issue. What a surprise, Bush's playing the diverting game as a solution. "Illusionist, I'm an illusionist, Michael." (Reuters)

2. Not to worry though. Fox News' conservative pundit Tony Snow will be Bush's third Press Secretary, and I'm sure Bush is hoping Snow's media skills can spin all the administration's policies into something that sounds like a good idea. But, uh, can Snow spin why he is in a cover band called "Beats Workin"? (FT)

3. Love beans but hate the fartalistic aftermath? Scientists found that adding two gut bacteria can produce fartless beans, as they can diminish the breakdown of beans in the long intestine, where all the gas happens. If made, the next generation will be missing out on a lot of good times, but perhaps old beans will become a new suburban after-school activity? One can only hope for the children. (ABC)

4. A Commonwealth Fund survey found that 40% of adults with $20k-40k income went without health insurance for at least part of 2005, up from 28% in 2001. Overall across the country, employer's provision of health insurance has become more expensive while simultaneously offering less coverage. Undoubtedly, the answer is not the maple leaf, but, oh, how it plagues our dreams. (SFGate)

5. Lost's Michelle Rodriguez opts for 5 days of jail over 240 hours of community service. You go girl, helping people are for suckers! (TMZ)

Straphangers on Planes, The Brain Dead's Donation, a Celebrity Divorce Gets Ugly, and Victory for the Webby Employee

Lesson to be learned: reserve stick-poking to corpses.

1. Love riding on the subway? Well, now you can have the same experience but cooler on the airplane. Airbus, a European plane-maker, has been pitching to Asian carriers harnessed standing "seating" for passengers. So not only can you feel like cattle while traveling, you can also look mightily attractive. (IHT, NYT)

2. Li Guoxing, the first (Chinese) man to receive a face transplant, received tissue from a brain dead patient for his new nose, lip, and cheek, Xinhua News Agency reports. Doctors continue to track his progress, concerned that his body will reject the tissue. Li's face was mauled by a bear when he tried to drive it away from his sheep with a stick. So the old saying of standing in the way of a bear's appetite and poking it with a stick getting you fairy dust and pixie sticks was way off. (ABC)

3. Bird flu has been found in another province in Afghanistan and suspected in another two. Fear of virus mutating into a human-human contagion remains amongst scientists, who reassure the public by saying "millions of people could be infected in a human pandemic but with a much lower mortality rate [that currently exists]. " (Reuters)

4. Administrative Law Judge John Spooner ruled in favor of slacking employees all over, or uh, New York Citysamedifference, when he overturned the firing of Dept of Education's Toquir Choudhri for looking at travel and news sites during work hours. Spooner reasons that companies should show the same leniency to employee's Internet perusing as they do for personal calls. Tell that to Bloomberg, or don't, if you want to keep your job. (The Inquirer)

5. The most recent allegation unearthed in the beautiful mess that is the Richards-Sheen divorce is that Charlie Sheen might have lent a hand in the death of porn star Chloe Jones, who had sold a story to a tabloid on Sheen's paying her $15k for sex. Denise Richards stated that she had asked Sheen once if he had anything to do with Jones' death only to receive a response of "No comment." Richards has lately been spotted with the ex (Richie Sambora) of her ex-friend (Heather Locklear). Yeah, it was starting to feel very Melrose Place anyway. (Daily News)

6. A spokeswoman for Airbus denies the NYT report on the standing room planes. Or, I don't know, perhaps the idea didn't fly with a lot of airlines. *cue monkey on drums* (CNN)

Defensive Douglas in Denial, U.S. Denies U93 Actor, and a Dog of a Foxx

1. The Iraqi actor Lewis Alsamari of the 9/11 film United 93 has been denied a visa to the United States for the movie's premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival. Alsamari has always had trouble with obtaining visas because, as he believes, he is an Iraqi citizen (currently applying for British citizenship) who served in the army (which he felt "forced" into and deserted). Perhaps his portrayal in the movie was just too damn convincing... hmmm... if the U.S. doesn't know how to give left-handed compliments, I don't know who can. (The Times)

2. Jamie Foxx has apparently garnered, or furthered, his reputation as a dog while promoting his Unpredictable album in London. In addition to leaving clubs with "model-types," he has been requiring the front of the stage be filled with females only and has been accompanied with a flock of women into his VIP area, which is stocked with Cristal and four double velvet and rose petalled beds. When Foxx was questioned about this, his minder replied, "What goes on in the boudoir, stays in the boudoir." I know he wants to appear decadent and hedonistic, but isn't a "minder" a nanny? (TMZ)

3. Yesterday's Sunday's Times asked, "Is global warming now a reality?" Sometimes, I just really hate the New York Times...

4. Michael Douglas is now recording all his press interviews because of his recent debacle with a GQ printed interview, of which he disputes some snarky quotes on Brangelina. The quotes were not recorded but yet, he has decided not to sue GQ because he does not want to bring more attention to the dispute. However, deciding to publicize loudly the fact that he will record all his interviews doesn't bring any attention to this matter at all? (MSNBC)

Naomi Stamps, Jagger Fiddles, Friends Boggles, FDA doesn't 420, and Smashing Who?

1. One can now find Naomi Campbell's face all over 75 cent stamps in Austria. The Campbell stamp benefits AIDS charities and every letter recipient that wears crappy jeans. (Hello!)

2. Mick Jagger is currently negotiating for a role in an untitled ABC pilot about a group of New Yorkers who scheme to rob a celebrity (Jagger). Originally the comedy was titled I Want to Rob Jeff Goldblum, who apparently was never attached and has his own NBC show in the works. Who knew Mick Jagger would ever play sloppy seconds to Jeff Goldblum? (CNN)

3. California's Supreme Court threw out an ex-Friends assistant's sexual harassment case on her subjection to the writing staff's crude language. The court based its 7-0 ruling yesterday on their understanding that the crude language was to be expected, so as to not stifle the creative juices for an "adult-oriented" show, and was not directed to the assistant, but the actors. The papers reveal cracks on the doability of Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston, David Schwimmer's sexual preference, and turning the character of Joey into a serial rapist in the spinoff. Sort of disturbing to find all this out about the minds behind such a squeaky clean show. (The Smoking Gun)

4. Yesterday (coincindentally?) the FDA announced that "no sound scientific studies" support marijuana use for medicinal purposes, which apparently doesn't really matter as the enforcement comes from the DEA anyway...um, who agrees. (NYT)

5. "It's official" everyone. The Smashing Pumpkins ...*squeal*...are getting back together. I guess it matters if we were still in the 20th century. (MTV)

Happy Austrians, Sad "Athletes," the Ludacris Fight, and the Booby Doctor on this Different Kind of High-Day

1. You too can be friends with National High Five Day and on National High Five Day (!) here ...UVA must be really proud.

2. According to a new global study released by Pfizer, Austrians, followed closely by Americans, are having the best sex in the world. People in countries where men and women were more equal enjoyed sex a lot more than those in male-dominated countried. The study surveyed 27,500 40-80 year olds, an age group that most of us probably don't want to imagine engaging in such activity.

3. A small study by Canadian psychologist Hap Davis shows how experiencing defeat prevents athletes from returning to peak performance. When 24 swimmers had to watch their failed attempts at trying for the Olympic team, the areas of their brain associated with depression experience heightened activity, and the premotor cortex, the part that plans arm and body movement, froze. Therapy seems to alleviate the suppression of the premotor cortex, though can we now bury the ol' crap adage of what doesn't kill you? (ScienceNOW)

4. Buried under Antartica's lakes, a network of rivers has been discovered though yet have been examined due to environmental concerns. Sealed off for millions of years, the rivers are viewed as time capules by scientists.
...Atlantis? (BBC)

5. A spectacled man, 76, was arrested for going door-to-door in a Floridian neighborhood, pretending to be a doctor and offering free breast exams. A woman became "suspicious" when as part of the exam, he asked her to remove her clothes and began to inspect her genital area without gloves. Ah, nothing could fool her! (Reuters)

6. Lindsay and Jessica, move aside. The newest celebrity tiff is between Oprah and Ludacris, who got annoyed when most of his promoting of Crash on her show was left on the cutting room floor because of Oprah's aversion to promoting rappers. Ludacris tells GQ, "Of course, it's her show, but we were doing a show on racial discrimination, and she gave me a hard time as a rapper when I came on there as an actor." (Page 6)

7. Jessica Simpson pulled out of a cover story for September's Vanity Fair issue because she didn't comply with Editor Graydon Carter's requirement of talking about her divorce. Shame on Condé Nast for being so tabloidish ...and for wanting to put Jessica Simpson on a cover. (Daily News)

Aliens, The Value of $4.50, And There Needs To Be A Word for the Opposite of "Selling Out"

No, Alex... YOU'RE so beautiful.

1. The Supreme Court is reviewing an appeal to an Arizonian case that might be significant to state insanity laws. Eric Clark, 17 and schizophrenic, thought he was being chased by aliens when he shot and killed a police officer 6 years ago, and since, has been sentenced to life in prison. Clark's lawyer appealed, saying his client was "guilty except insane" and should be sent to a psychiatric ward. That is now my official excuse/annoying catch-phrase for everything. (CNN)

2. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise welcomed a new baby girl to their "family" yesterday. They have named her "Suri," which means "princess" in Hebrew or "red rose" in Persian or "freakish Martian baby" to everyone else. (The Age)

3. The Gulf Station under the Brooklyn Bridge is now charging $4.50 a gallon for premium gas, $4.26 for regular. In case you don't know what $4.50 means, the Daily News also reports that amount can get you a Lager at the Lighthouse Tavern, a hot dog and large soda at Nathan's, a ride past the Triborough Bridget, and a pair of Old Navy flip-flops for men. It's good to know there are still newspapers out there for lobotomized victims, which coincidentally is the paper that I've been assigned to at work.

4. On the same day the TomKat spawn emerged, Brook Shields delivered her own by the name of Grier Hammond Henchy. Both her and Tom's babies are bizarrely identical in height and weight, respectively 20 inches and 7 pounds. It's so movie-delicious: two babies born on the same day, one is evil, and one is good...but which one?... Well, perhaps the ending is a dead give-away, but it's in the same vein as all the rest of those religiousy movies. (Chicago Tribune)

5. City Council Speaker Christine Quinn lashed out against Wal-Mart as a NYC resident yesterday at Crain's NY Business Breakfast, saying, "Wal-Mart has a record as a bad corporate citizen. I think it's been well-documented across the country that they are not a responsible member of of our corporate community in this country," citing the company's inadequate health insurance for its employees. Wal-Mart Senior Manager of Public Affairs Philip Serghini took offense naturally and brilliantly defended itself with, “We do offer health benefits, and the bottom line is New Yorkers want the option to choose at Wal-Mart.“ The chain is attempting to open in all five boroughs. Can't we play nice and make it go away with Staten Island? (NY1)

6. In making up for its P2P move, giving White Stripes and Coke the hand, and making the band all the more awesome on the whole, Franz Ferdinand turned down an unnamed American company for a $50 million dollar ad campaign. Alex Kapranos comments,

"It would have meant we sold four times as many copies of the [new] album, just from the extra exposure it would have got. But the advert meant we had to completely surrender all of our identity and integrity to this product that was being advertised... It wasn’t ... Coca Cola or anything like that. It was just a thing that needed some music associated with it.”

Uh... at least I thought they weren't going to pull a White Stripes. (Ad Freak)

Sex Suits

1. At a retrial of German cannibal Armin Meiwes, sex expert Klaus Beier said that Meiwes was motivated by his victim's wish to be eaten and not a desire to kill. Prosecutors were hoping the expert would say the latter as they seek a murder conviction over Meiwes' current manslaughter sentence. Last January, Meiwes described part of the incident where

"he had severed Brandes's penis and that both had tried to eat it, without success, although Meiwes later ate flesh from the body. After heavy bleeding, Brandes finally fell unconscious. Believing his victim to be dead Meiwes laid his victim out on a bench and plunged a knife into his neck."

Oh god, this does nothing for my hangover. (Reuters)

2. Colin Farrel and Nicole Narain have reached a deal over their sex tape, though the details of the agreement will not be disclosed...you know, unlike their sex tape. (Daily News)

3. Two lacrosse players from Duke University have been arrested today and charged with kidnapping and rape. Sophomores Reade Seligmann's and Collin Finnerty's bails have been set at $400,000. The woman, 27, was hired to perform as an exotic dancer for a March 13th off-campus party and says she was attacked by three white players in the bathroom. The DA's affidavit reports she had signs and injuries of being raped and assaulted. The lacrosse coach, Mike Pressler, resigned on April 14th, the same day a warrant disclosed that a player emailed a message saying he wanted to invite strippers to his room to kill and skin them. The team's season has been cancelled. Robert Bennet, ex-Bill Clinton lawyer, has been hired as a spokesman by a group of Duke supporters who feel the university and players have been subjected to unfair treatment. Yeah, the lacrosse players losing out on the season really does suck. (NYT)

Demolition Man Sex, Elvira Finds Own Sequel, Pregnant Lies, and Madonna, Decade-Confused

Do your thing, sexy beast.

1. A gathering of the top sex minds in San Francisco led to interesting discussions about the future of the industry that mainly centered on the technological and virtual, i.e. the potential of teledildonics, which is when people at two remote computers stimulate each other with electronic devices. As for sexbots, Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington, says, "Right now they are having trouble making robots that just sweep floors." To which, I present Roomba, the iRobot vacuum --see above. (Reuters)

2. Elvira is seeking to be immortal. Cassandra Peterson, ageless, is shopping around a reality tv show, which has her finding the Elvira to succeed her. Hijinks and hilarity to ensue, surely. (Backstage)

3. A Missourian couple who lied about having sextuplets and received gifts in the form of prezzies and money is now facing seven years in jail. Sarah Everson, 45, and husband Kris, 33, were found out when Sarah never got or looked pregnant and thus did not have babies.
Note to self: When sending out the press release, have pillow and babies ready. (AP)

4. Geoff Goodfellow is the arguable inventor of a $612.5 million idea he has yet received any credit for: the wireless email. Though he tinkered with the idea for a pager, was approached by a NTP (company that defends its patents for wireless email) representative, who had visited him to ensure any potential patent claims issues, and worked for NTP as a consultant, Goodfellow probably won't be seeing a dime that NTP received, not that he seems too upset about it. Goodfellow comments,

"You don't patent the obvious. The way you compete is to build something that is faster, better, cheaper. You don't lock your ideas up in a patent and rest on your laurels."

Okay, in the context of the article, he does not seem upset. (NYT)

5. It is rumored that Madonna will be entering grandly for her concert on a $10 million ball of blinding diamonds and crystals that is currently being constructed in a hangar in L.A. Also, one of her centerpieces might be a "disco-fied crucifix." I just wish she would decide on whether she wants to bring back the 70s or 80s. (Daily News)

6. Starting tonight, the LES restaurant Samba-LE will be offering free weekly dance lessons. Dancing starts at 6, drinking forever.

The Banker Blogs, The Invalid Types, The Bear Mauls, and The Singles Eat

Riveting read.

1. In the grand ol' year of 1982, Mudjimba's (Australia) Les Stewart began typing all the numbers from one to a million in words and finished typing sixteen years later. He holds the world record for "typing numbers in words." Natch. (Record Holders)

2. When you thought there would be no room for another blogger, who greases and squeezes himself in but, of course, The Banker from Deal or No Deal. On the contestants, he says, "If I have to hear about another 'deserving teacher,' I'll hurl a bucket of bile right out the Bank window onto the stage." He doesn't sound anything like this on the show. Oh, his inner pain.

3. For his new cd, "A Lively Mind," Paul Oakenfold teams up with Pharrell, Grandmaster Flash, and ...Brittany Murphy? The title track is called "Faster Kill Pussycat," which I'm assuming is not what she is trying to do with this song, though the total lack of irony would be refreshing these days. Click here for clip.

4. In another incident where a person's face becomes mauled by an animal (this time, a bear), Li Guoxing, 30, becomes the first recipient of a face transplant in China. Or to sound more impressive, he becomes the first man to receive a first transplant in the world (deceptive but true). Go China; thank you, bear. (BBC)

5. Fox will be joining the new network trend of going on the World. Wide. Web. In its attempt to grab the webby demographic, it has just signed a six-year agreement with its 187 affiliated stations that will allow it to show its reruns online. I'm sure all the porno folks are patting themselves on the back for their trailblazing. (Reuters)

6. If you're single, don't forget to celebrate Black Day today. The cheery-sounding holiday comes from Korea, where single people eat Jajang (which are black) noodles with black bean sauce. For some reason, the carb-friendly day hasn't quite taken off as Valentine's has. (Topics)

Oprah Speaks to Eggtastic Rx'ers

The incredible egg.

1. As rich as Oprah Winfrey is, she shockingly doesn't mind it. "I have lots of things, like all these Manolo Blahniks. I have all that and I think it's great." (People)

2. Think you have the best job in the world (because I don't)? According to a Money magazine survey released yesterday, software engineers grab the gold, with an average salary of $85,000 for a job with growth and creative potential. The Nancy Kerrigans here are college professors and administrators (sorry, I might have the second best job), who work the least hours, have the most vacation days, and their jobs are relatively unstressful, flexible and creative. Jobs in technology and health care fared well, accounting for nearly a third of this top 50 list. (Reuters)

3. Police say that Proof, Eminem's close rapper-friend, fired the first shot that led to the bullet exchange that ended his life on Eight Mile Road. The story goes that Proof was shot after pistol-whipping, shooting, and critically injuring Keith Bender. Proof was shot in the head and chest three times. (AP)

4. What can you call teenagers these days? For some creepy folks, maybe it's "sweetie," or "secret lover." If you're everyone else and see them as some kind of messy indistinguishable blob, it's Generation Rx for their abuse of prescription drugs. One out of five take Vicodin, while one out of ten abuses the stronger Oxycontin, a narcotic pain reliever described as a cleaner form of heroin. (NBC)

5. A spinning egg can jump, answering the age-old question of 'can an egg jump?' A team of Japanese researchers spent two years to discover the .1 millimeter leap, but it's not just a neat trick to astound the youngin's but an insight in how to prevent engineering disasters. (Nature)

Oops, She Did It Again, Lohans and Toilets, Divorced, Engaged, and $15 Million Dollars

1. Spears-Fed baby falls off high chair on April 1st when realizing trashtastic was a euphemism. Officers from the Department of Children and Family Services paid his folks a visit and decided no investigation needed to be done, though you can't doubt their suspicion seeing that Kevin Federline is the father, it was April Fool's Day, and a baby fell out of a chair. (Star)

2. Matt Lauer has been contracted for three more years, at $15 million a year, by NBC...though will continue to be slighly eclipsed by Katie. (NYT)

3. The new face of Louis Vuitton is cell-phone chuckin' Naomi Campbell, not Lindsay Lohan. Perhaps only bad publicity works only in models' favors. (IEO)

4. Preggerz Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are engaged ...or is it engaged Maggie Gyllenhaal now preggerz... Hmm... (People)

5. Tori Spelling is finally divorced from estranged husband Charlie Shahaian, but don't get too excited yet guys--she's engaged to Dean McDermott. I know, it's like raising your hopes just to crush them. (TMZ)

6. Dina Lohan, NY Post-described Lindsay's mom-ager, freaked out on a partier in G-Spa's bathroom, who asked Dina and friend to hurry up in the only working stall. What is up with the Lohans and making news in NYC's nightlife bathrooms?

Drug Companies Deceive, Madge Sells Out, Elton Sells Shirt Off Back, and Hef Turns 80

1. To coincide with the Inaugural Conference on Disease-Mongering in Australia this week, the Public Library of Science is publishing 11 articles on how drug companies promote and sell their products. In short, most articles focus on how firms are aggressively redefining or reimagining mild problems, such as sexual dysfunction and restless legs, as sicknesses and diseases. Welcome to the wonderful world of responsible pharmaceutical marketing, where the defense is merely that the doctors dispense the drugs, not them. (BBC)

2. Ten minutes after Madonna's "Confession" tickets went public, the first two shows at Madison Square Garden sold out, followed quickly by the third and fourth show. A fifth show has been added to her lineup for July 18th, going on sale this Friday at 10 a.m. Looks like a sick day is coming up at the end of the week...*cough*... (Daily News)

3. Roger Toussaint left the State Supreme Court in Brooklyn yesterday with a 10-day jail sentence and a $1,000 fine for the 3-day force of cruel exercise on and subsequent endless griping from New Yorkers. (NYT)

4. From today to Saturday, Elton John will be offering 10,000 items of his and David Furnish's clothing and accessories at Rockefeller Center's observation deck. All of the proceeds will go towards the Elton John Aids Foundation. Saks Fifth Avenue will be displaying select Elton John clothing in their windows. (Press Release)

5. Right-wing billionaire and famed funder of Clinton's sex investigation Richard Mellon Scaife, 73, is undergoing one of the nastiest divorces in American history, where $1.2 billion is at stake. Scaife and his wife, 58, of fourteen years did not sign a prenuptial agreement. Somewhere you might hear Clinton saying, "Zing." (NY Daily News)

6. For Hugh Hefner's 80th birthday/classic lingerie party, the usually half-naked Paris Hilton does, uh, a loose rendition of Marilyn Monroe's "Happy Birthday." Celebrity attendees also included Donald Trump and Oliver Stone, and most expectedly...Three 6 Mafia. I unfortunately just imagined what the attendees might be wearing... (Playboy)

Moses v. Apple, Free Franny Internet, Bollywood Star Sentenced, and Skilling Does Standup

1. Spanking new spawn of Gwennie and Chris Martin named Moses, ending assumptions of fruit or Spielberg-inspired names, though perhaps raising new ones of a religiously-themed/named family, hm? (ET)

2. Jacques Chirac nixes and will replace Article 8, the part of the labor law that made it easier for employers to fire young employees and caused widespread protest from students and labor unions. As George Michael said from "Arrested Development" about the French, "I like the way they think." (BBC)

3. Since San Francisco picked Google and Earthlink to build the city's wireless network last week, concerns have been bubbling over the individual's privacy (will there be cookies?) and if telecommunication companies will try to set up roadblocks to the residents' free web access. The details have not yet been negotiated, but the plans available from this are (1) a free, slower than cable-connection speed with advertising and (2) an Earth-link provided $20 per month, advertising-free, faster service. I'm sad to say that San Fran looks to becoming a much cooler city than NYC, if not already. (NYT)

4. Bollywood star Salman Khan has been now sentenced to 5 years, versus the original 1 in February, for poaching a rare antelope. He will, of course, be appealing this verdict, obviously never watching shows like "Deal or No Deal" before. (BBC)

5. Architect Frank Gehry, easily confused with other architect, Frank Lloyd Wright, can now distinguish himself as a jeweler (and ...living) with his collection at Tiffany's this month.

6. Ex-Enron Chief Executive Jeffrey Skilling said in his testimony today, "In some ways, my life is on the line." Yeah, at 52 and facing 25 years in jail, he's stating the obvious. Later, he did provide some neat quips, such as, when commenting on Enron's subsequent collapse after his departure, "Not in my wildest dreams. It's almost inconceivable what happened." (Bloomberg)

7. The New York Times reports on the local newspaper war between The Daily News and The New York Post, perhaps prompted by the Page 6 scandal or perhaps NYT is feeling a bit smug in its above-all-this stance. Dance monkeys.

A Creationist's Pet Dream, Mariah Sells Her Scent, and NYC Doom Comes in Boat-Car Shape

Hi Kitty, cute kitty-oh-that is not your profile...

1. As the engrossing daytime TV host saga ensues, Meredith Vieira tearfully confirmed on yesterday's "View" that she will be taking over Katie Couric's spot on "Today." Ann Curry, brilliantly combatting past rumors of her lacking intellect, commented, "I'm excited to get to know someone who would be a great girlfriend." (Daily News)

2. A study from Science shows that there is a positive relationship between punishment and profit, as a society with a lack of rules attract and encourage exploitative citizens. So society needs order...oh... thanks for the update, New York Times...

3. Environmental group Transportation Alternative is suing to keep Port Imperial Duck Charterers' duck boat/cars from running in the city on the grounds of increased noise, pollution, and safety problems. Yeah, tourists and tourist-related activities usually do that. Those lovable rascals. (AP)

4. Ciara and (Lil') Bow Wow have officially split, allowing the latter to recently bring back a stripper to his Regent Beverly Wilshire penthouse the other night. What a way to bounce back.
(Daily News)

5. Cy, for cyclops, the one-eyed kitty that lived for one day, will be on display in the Lost World Museum in Pheonix by--projected--fall. Museum owner and creationist John Adolfi says the museum will also harbor deformed animal remains, giant plants and eggs, and archaeological treasures. Cy was one of two in its litter; its sibling was two-eyed and healthy. Shortest. sibling. rivalry. ever. (AP)

6. Mariah Carey will have her own perfume through Elizabeth Arden, who also sells Britney Spear's and Elizabeth Taylor's. Wouldn't it be funny if Gwennie had to model for what will be the seemingly-sluttiest perfume ever? (Reuters)

Judas's Extreme Makeover, Bush's Streak of Good PR, Fish Out of Water, and Katie Holmes

1. The 1,700-year-old text known as the "Gospel of Judas" sheds new controversial light on the figure of Judah, who, here, is favored and asked by Jesus to "betray" him to the authorities. Aside from the small feat of turning on its head the notion that 'Judah=traitor,' the discovery of such Gnostic texts is also revealing that Jesus's followers held diverse beliefs and practices. It's like the Bible decided to jump on the sequel/prequel bandwagon with all its twists and turns. (NYT)

2. Canadian fossil found today of a fishlike tetrapod. Called Tiktaalik ("large shallow water fish") roseae, it bore evidence of the beginnings of limbs in its fins. Paleontologists are declaring it the missing link between fish and land-walkers. "Tetrapods did not so much conquer the land, as escape from the water," AMNH John Maisey says. I'd like to think that this great great great ancestor was not only a coward but also would like to taunt its legless predators of their leglessness, which would be appropriate as I'm sure some scientists will like to rub these bones in the faces of creationists. (Nature)

3. Take that Dan Rathers! Raking in $15 million a year for anchoring "CBS Evening News," Katie Couric earns $5 million more than her CBS predecessor. Her salary also snubs Diane Sawyer's ($13m), Peter Jenning's ($10m), Larry King's ($7m), and emo Anderson Cooper's ($2m). Daily News also calculates out that "known for her hot gams" Couric will be earning $300,000 per week, which translates to $60,000 per day, which means each word that falls from her mouth costs CBS $67. Now, who said silence was golden?

4. Former chief-of-staff Lewis Libby told prosecutors today that the order from Cheney authorizing Libby to leak classified information to the New York Times was approved by Dubya, who sought to garner support for the Iraqi war. When you think of our current administration, you think classy. (BBC)

5. Holmes apparently acted completely bizarre/hypnotized/brainless during an interview with Tom Cruise for Parade. She smiled throughout the interview, even through Cruise's account of child abuse. Then things got back to "normal," and Cruise began to heavily PDA with her in front of the reporter. Well, it was Parade... (NY Post)

Say NO to Bush and Doyle and Yes to Aspartame

Apparently, a contemporary picture of Chinese people when festive.

1. Today is the Qingming, or "Clear and Bright," Festival for the Chinese, which apparently is the time for people to go outside, enjoy spring, and "tomb sweep," which is what the holiday also goes by. I wonder if seeing Thank You for Smoking and drinking heavily would suitably substitute for celebrating.

2. Via a free software called Bootcamp, Apple will now allow Windows to run on its (Intel) machines. Was that why it snowed earlier today? (NYT)

3. Fake sugar is A(for Aspartame)-okay, says a federal study that was based off the diets of 500,000 "older" Americans, allaying fears that were prompted by scary rat study results, i.e. rat bladder cancer, lymphomas and leukemia. Apparently no link to cancer was found in the human study--but there was a quiet sadness from their being placed in the "older" category. (ABC News)

4. According to a survey from the awesome Scholastic News, 80% of American children today are saying NO to being President, compared to 75% that were saying YES in 2004. Scholastic editors were baffled by the sudden flip-flop but didn't necessarily attribute the change to the sudden dip in Bush's popularity. Perhaps their saturation in the liberal sexafied media curbed their ambitions into the unsexafied political realm then? Ponder ponder... (Daily News)

5. Brian Doyle, 55, the deputy press secretary for Homeland Security, is facing 23 charges in Florida for trying to seduce someone he believed was a 14-year-old girl and "transmitting harmful material to a minor." He also had sexually explicit phone conversations with the same said girl/Oscar-worthy detective. And the political realm just got sexafied... (Reuters)

6. Eminem files for divorce again from Kim Mathers. I've said this for celebrities before, but uh, they were married (again)? (Star)

7. The AMC Loews in the UWS has pulled the trailer for the 9/11 flick "United 93," when some members of the audience began crying out "too soon!" when the trailer played. (PR Newswire)

"Meaningless" "Words" "Tuesday"

Curiouser and curiouser...
Read to bottom to find out what this "excrement" "container" is.

1. After much "prayerful thinking and analysis," Tom Delay is leaving Congress and relocating to Virginia. Bush sprightly commented, "Our party will continue to succeed, because we are the party of ideas." After such news, dictionary stock suddenly and shockingly plummeted. (NYT)

2. Jessica Simpson has been plucked to star in the movie version of Baywatch and seems to be running slowmo to reigning queen of horrible remakes of horrible TV shows. Plot outline from IMDB describes the movie as "based on the famous TV series of the same name and is about a group of lifeguards who patrol a California beach." Sounds about right. (LSE)

3. Russell Simmons says there' s a possibility that he and Kimora Lee would stay together, that he cannot foresee any fights over estate and money, and also announces that the separation drama between them will be shown on Kimora's VH1 show. Somehow in dishing this all to Lloyd Grove, Russell still doesn't clear up that his marriage was not a business-deal-diguised sham. Strange....

4. NY Post graciously "retracts" its statement--that a pedicurist refused to touch Kimberly Stewart's feet because of their smell--after Kimberly and her parents told the Post that it was wrong.

5. Scientists from North Carolina's Wake Forest University have done 7 bladder transplants, where the bladders were grown from the bladder-diseased patients' own cells and implanted into the patients. BBC's subheading calls the implants "successful" yet when one read the articles it only says that only "in some the organ is working well years later." When did "some" out of 7 become a success? Poor fictitious dictionary stock.

Studies on Sex, Cigarettes, and Neck Plaque, The Simpsons' Movie, and Shocking Non-Fan of Bush

Mmmmm...Cola-coffee sounds so delicious, plus black and tan bottle
doesn't make you think of black and tan's at all.

1. Today. Coca-Cola Blak. Coffee flavors + coke flavors = Oh. My. God. Run to your nearest Duane Reade now.And to prove that marketers speak just like normal people:

"Coca-Cola Blak is a uniquely invigorating beverage that is full-bodied in flavor and as refreshing as you expect Coca-Cola to be," said Katie Bayne, senior vice president, Coca-Cola Brands, Coca-Cola North America. "There is no other beverage available today quite like Coca-Cola Blak. Imagine the refreshing taste of an ice-cold Coca-Cola that finishes with a rich essence of coffee. Only Coca-Cola can deliver that distinct combination of flavors."

Right...

2. Nicotine supplements very likely impede the success of chemotherapy drugs, according to a new study that will be published in next week's online edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. When nicotine was present, it prompted the cells to increase proteins XIAP and survivin, which protects the cancer cells from self-destructing, aka prevents the chemo drugs from making the cells self-destruct. This leads me to wonder, when did protein names become so hip (hop)? (NY Sun)

3. Al Gore bashes George W. Bush in the upcoming "green" issue of Vanity Fair, attacking Bush's failure to prevent 9/11 (despite the Bin Laden threat's making the top of the President's daily briefings five weeks before the attack), failure to address global warming, and his incompetence in preparing for Hurricane Katrina. (Daily News)

4. A new study from North Carolina shows that increased exposure to today's sexually charged media encourages teens to have sex at an earlier age. Parents' reluctance to breach the "sex" topic also might aggravate this trend, as this breach allows the media to step in as the sexual educator. Friendless kids might even be more influenced as they lack the peers even to mediate against (or for?) the media's sexual norms. Naturally, the public health concerns are rises in teenage pregnancy rate, which is 3-10 times higher here than other industrialized nations, and sexually transmitted diseases. Results from the study can be found in this April's Pediatrics and probably a scary visit to your local junior high school. (Reuters)

5. Carotid stenting is awesome, suggests new data from Scared Heart Medical Center in Washington. To reduce the risk of a stroke, patients undergo carotid stenting, a new alternative to painful neck surgery, which clears the plaque from their neck arteries and have been apparently improving their memory and mental abilities as well. Some also say colors are brighter. Check with your health insurance plans first though as it probably isn't covered --hurray then for such incredible findings. (NY Times)

6. Mark your calendar for July 27th, 2007. The Simpsons go big screen. Click here for trailer.

7. And because nothing else starts off the week right but Lindsay Lohan's so-wrong moment of the week, here is her mooning children at Nick's Kids' Choice Award. What do you mean the media is oversexed?